Joke thread

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Kim O'Hara
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Joke thread

Post by Kim O'Hara »

This is the obligatory joke thread - I can't believe we got by for a whole month without one! :jawdrop:

Buddhist-themed jokes are particularly welcome, of course.

If you want more, the archived equivalent on DWT is here - https://dhammawheel.com/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=30118.
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Kim O'Hara »

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Re: Joke thread

Post by DNS »

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." And the priest said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

And the rabbi said, "and look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest. The priest asked, "aren't you going to have any?" And the rabbi replied, "No . . . I think I'll just wait for the police."
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Re: Joke thread

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Image
... just my opinion, for what it's worth
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Re: Joke thread

Post by DNS »

A minister was feeling bored one Sunday and decided to take the day off from church. He told the assistant minister he wasn't feeling well and drove off. He stopped at a golf course about forty miles away (so that no one would know him.)

Up in Heaven, the angels were talking. One said to Jesus, "Are you going to let him get away with that?" Jesus said, "No, I won't." The minister teed off on the first hole and suddenly, the wind picked up, blowing the ball right in the hole for a 420 yard hole-in-one.

The angel looked at Jesus and said, "Why did you do that?" Jesus smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
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Re: Joke thread

Post by fwiw »

If we’re serious about getting America back on track, all those morons are going to need to shut up, take a good, hard look in the mirror, and start seeing things from my point of view.

Seriously, it’s about time these jerks on the other side of the political spectrum woke the hell up and started having the exact same background, experiences, and upbringing as me.

If all those imbeciles would take one goddamn minute to look at the facts and go through every single one of the things I’ve gone through in my life, then what America needs right now would become very clear very quickly. These people on the other side don’t have the first clue how to deal with the issues facing this country because they’ve all simply coasted through life with a set of personal circumstances totally different than mine. It’s no wonder that what they believe makes absolutely no fricking sense.

It’s almost like, having not been exposed to all the countless conversations and relationships that I have over the years, they’re completely blind to the real issues that are destroying our country. How could anyone be that stupid?

America is heading down the tubes, and these idiots will never understand why until they’re born into a situation in life identical to mine, and then get raised exactly as I was, and ultimately wind up with precisely the same family dynamic, education, and romantic prospects I’ve had. Listen, if you’re not willing to take the time to grow up in the same part of the country I did, in the same kind of home, as part of the same racial and religious groups, and with the same amounts of good and bad luck I’ve experienced over the years, then I’m sorry, but you’re always going to be wrong.

https://politics.theonion.com/when-will ... ampaign=SF
... just my opinion, for what it's worth
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Re: Joke thread

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Re: Joke thread

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Paul Ryan Calls On Trump To Take Dismantling Of USA More Seriously
https://politics.theonion.com/paul-ryan ... 844060/amp

(Joke News from The Onion)
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Re: Joke thread

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Michael Cohen Promises More Damaging Recordings Of Trump Are Already Public
NEW YORK—Saying the leaked audio of Donald Trump approving a payment to ensure the silence of a former Playboy model had “barely scratched the surface,” embattled attorney Michael Cohen promised Wednesday that even more damaging recordings were widely available to the public already. “You may think this is bad—the president agreeing to reimburse the $150,000 paid out to a woman he allegedly had a yearlong affair with—but trust me, there is a lot more where that came from, and it’s been airing nonstop on every major news network for three years now,” said Cohen, who later teased some of the thousands of potentially compromising statements that are readily accessible on the president’s personal Twitter account and have been since 2009.

https://politics.theonion.com/michael-c ... ntent=Main
... just my opinion, for what it's worth
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Re: Joke thread

Post by fwiw »

Photos Show Chinese Factory Workers Making ‘Trump 2020’ Flags

Not The Onion. That is actually real news. But also a joke.

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_5b58 ... 5aba94476a
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Re: Joke thread

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Re: Joke thread

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Have you changed your mind about the reliability of mainstream media? I remember a chart that took the same outlets and presented them as the most reliable sources
... just my opinion, for what it's worth
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Kim O'Hara »

fwiw wrote: Sun Aug 05, 2018 10:13 am Have you changed your mind about the reliability of mainstream media? I remember a chart that took the same outlets and presented them as the most reliable sources
Fair comment. No, I haven't changed my mind, but I also wouldn't have chosen that exact set of logos.

:namaste:
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Kim O'Hara »

This has been around for a while but for those who haven't seen it before...

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Altar
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Altar »

cartoon from the new yorker
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Re: Joke thread

Post by DNS »

Reincarnation / rebirth explained:

Code: Select all

https://www.facebook.com/theklooniverse/videos/496637484118386/UzpfSTEwODMwODE2Nzg6MTAyMTU3Nzg0NDU3MDkxMTA/
(embedding the video didn't work with this video format, so log in to facebook and then copy and paste if you want to see the video; otherwise you could wait for your passing to find out what happens.)
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Kim O'Hara
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Re: Joke thread

Post by Kim O'Hara »

:goodpost:

Shame about the format problem, but :shrug:

:coffee:
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Re: Joke thread

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... just my opinion, for what it's worth
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Re: Joke thread

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(And no, this does not refer to the previous post.)
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Re: Joke thread

Post by fwiw »

I recently started my own brans of The Onion style fake headlines:
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After 66 years of loyal service in philosophical entertainment industry, Russel's teapot finally comes down from elliptical Sun orbit to retire in Chinese Buddhist temple #TheOnion
... just my opinion, for what it's worth
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